ShiFt Happens: I know how people communicate and I still got this wrong.

I'm sitting in another state waiting for a baby and I had a full moment on someone else's couch at 10:26am.

My youngest walked across a stage this week. 8th grade. Done. I cried. He was annoyed. Classic.

My middle child made the Dean's List her first year of college while running a full social life in a top sorority and somehow not failing a single class. I don't know who she is anymore. I mean that as a compliment.

And my oldest - I am literally in her house right now, in another state, sleeping in her guest room and watching her toddler (my grandson). Waiting for her to go into labor with baby number two. Any day, any hour. My phone has not left my hand in days.

Three kids. One week. All of them crossing something massive at the exact same time.

And here I am at 10:26am, coffee in hand, toddler still asleep, dead quiet - and it hits me. I don't know how to talk to any of them right now. Not because I don't know them - because who they were six months ago and who they are today are two completely different people.

I teach communication for a living. I have a doctorate. I still missed it.

Humbling? Yes. Newsletter-worthy? Absolutely.

Your Brain Behind It

You're not saying the wrong thing. You're saying it to the wrong version of them.

Here's what's actually happening when communication breaks down with someone you love - you're running on cached data. Hear me out. Your brain filed them under who they used to be, and it hasn't updated the file. So you keep responding to that version. The one that needed more from you. The one that was still figuring it out. The one that isn't standing in front of you anymore.

Psychologists call this renegotiating the relationship. Every major life threshold - graduation, new job, new baby, big loss - requires a completely new communication contract. Same person. Different needs. Different language. Different version of love.

Unfortunately, most people never renegotiate. They keep talking the same way and wonder why things feel off. Why their kid became quiet, why their partner seems distant, and even why their friend stopped calling.

It's not a fight and it's not a flaw. It's a mismatch. You're speaking 2019 to someone living in 2026.

The moment you treat a high schooler like a middle schooler, a new adult like a teenager, or a mother of two like she still needs your advice - you haven't done anything wrong exactly. But you've communicated something you didn't mean to. You've communicated that you haven't been paying attention.

And they feel that. Even if they can't name it.

Try This ShiFt

Your version might be a partner, a parent, a best friend, a colleague. The threshold is the same. Talk to who they are now. Not who they were.

Incoming freshman
Your directing days are over, friend. I know. Devastating. But the move now is to consult, not instruct. Ask "what are you thinking about doing?" and then - this is the hard part - actually wait for the answer before you open your mouth. High school is the first place where their choices have real consequences. They need to feel like you trust them to make some. Your confidence in them is the communication. Lead with that.

New adult proving herself
She is not asking for your feedback. She is not asking for your concern. She is not asking if she's sleeping enough. She is grinding and she knows it and she needs one person to look her in the eye and say "I see exactly what you're doing and it is incredible." That's it. No follow-up. No but-make-sure-you. Witness her and let it land... then walk away. That's the whole move.

The one about to give birth
You don't need words. You need your body in the right place. She doesn't need a pep talk or a check-in text or advice about the epidural. She needs her person physically present. You booked the flight. You rearranged your life. You're watching the toddler so she doesn't have to think about it. You already did the thing. Your presence is the sentence. Some moments don't need language - they need you to just show up and stay.

Your Turn

Every relationship has a communication contract. Most of us haven't looked at ours since we signed it.

Think about someone in your life who recently crossed a threshold. A graduation. A breakup. A new role. A baby. A loss. Are you still talking to who they were - or who they actually are right now?

Update the contract. It costs nothing and it changes everything.

Forward this to someone whose relationship just shifted. They need this more than they know.