I was watching a show recently where two couples were both trying to pull their relationships back from the edge at the same time. It was the same episode, same stakes, completely different approaches.

The first couple sat down and the woman looked at her partner and said, "Here's what I need. I need you to come home when you say you will. I need you to stop making plans without telling me. And I need two weeks of that before we talk about what's next." It was hard but doable. She gave him something to actually work with.

The second couple? They were sitting right next to each other and the woman looked at her partner and said, "I need you to prove that you love me."

That's it. That was the whole plan.

He just sat there. Prove it. Okay. How exactly? Like what does that look like on a random Wednesday? Is there a scoreboard somewhere? A panel of judges? Who decides when he's crossed the finish line - and is there even a finish line - because from where he was sitting it was starting to feel like the answer was no. He wanted to fix it. You could see it written all over his face. But wanting to fix something and having any idea how to fix it are not the same thing, and somehow that part always gets left out of the conversation.

One of those couples had somewhere to go. The other one just had feelings, a vague assignment, and absolutely nobody in charge of grading it.

I see this constantly. If you're being honest, you've been on one side of this - or both. Probably both.

Your Brain Behind It

Nobody comes out of this section looking great. Fair warning.

If you're the one asking for proof, your nervous system got hurt and went straight into lockdown and this mode is absolutely terrible at giving clear instructions. So instead of "I need you to reach out first so I stop feeling like I'm always the one chasing," what comes out is "you should just know."

You may not be doing it on purpose. But you're doing it.

And here's the part that's really uncomfortable - sometimes "prove it" has nothing to do with actually needing proof. Sometimes it's about wanting them to feel as lost and helpless as you do right now. Hurt people often hand out open-book tests and then hide the book. It's not evil - it's what pain does when it runs out of words and starts making policies instead.

Now... If you're the one being asked to prove it.

You're trying. You're doing things. You're watching their face for any flicker of a sign that any of it is makes sense to them. And slowly it starts to dawn on you that the goalpost is not staying in one place. Every time you think you're getting close, it's somewhere else entirely.

You're not imagining it.

You don't have a finish line because nobody made one. You're running a race that may genuinely not have an end, and the only coaching you're getting is "you'd know what to do if you really cared." Which is not coaching. That's just punishment with a bow on it.

Both of you are exhausted and both of you are trying. The word prove is actively making everything worse.

Try This ShiFt

Instead of "prove it," say the actual thing you need. One thing - maybe even two. It needs to be something specific enough that you'd both know whether it happened or not. "I need you to come home when you say you will." "I need you to stop dragging up 2019 every time we get into something new." Real things. Things with edges. Not feelings pretending to be requests.

If you're the one being asked to prove it, just ask. "Okay. Tell me what you need me to do." Not as a challenge but as someone standing in the dark who would genuinely love a light switch. Most people, when asked that sincerely, will either give you something real to work with - or they'll realize mid-sentence that they don't actually have an answer. Both of those are information. Important information.

Now remember though... keep it to one or two things. Because if you hand someone a itemized list of every single thing they've ever done wrong going back to 2017, they are probably not going to feel motivated. They're going to feel buried alive and... buried people don't repair - they tend to go silent or they leave.

One or two things. Real things. A direction you can both actually move in.

That's where repair starts. Not with proof. With a plan.

Your Turn

Which side have you been on? The one asking for proof - or the one who's been running and still can't find the finish line?

Hit reply. I read every one.

And if this is your life right now, Drop the Rope is the whole conversation - what repair actually looks like, why we're wired to make it so much harder than it has to be, and how to finally stop.

Speaker & Author
Communication Expert

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