I see this stuff online all the time.

A woman posts that she lost 40 pounds. “She must be on the shot.”

A guy posts that he got promoted. “Well, it helps when you’re friends with the boss.”

Someone buys a new house. “I wonder how much debt they’re in.”

A couple posts a happy anniversary picture. “Please. You should hear how they really talk to each other.”

Someone gets an award. “Of course she did. She knows everybody.”

A guy starts doing really well in his business. “He thinks he’s a big deal now.”

A woman posts a picture of herself looking good. “She sure needs a lot of attention.”

Or somebody says something people don’t agree with and suddenly the comments aren’t even about what they said anymore. Now they’re stupid, fake, arrogant, a terrible parent, a horrible person. And sometimes it’s coming from an anonymous username like SassySquirrel1422, who apparently has a LOT to say. 😂 Funny how much easier it is to say something nasty when your real name and face aren’t attached.

Then there’s the screenshot sent to a friend with, “Did you see this?” And off we go.

I’m not talking about women here either. Men do it as well. Most of us have at times.

Sometimes it’s jealousy. Sometimes somebody got something we wanted. Sometimes we already don’t like them, so whatever they post is going to annoy us. And sometimes they really did hurt us, so now everything they do gets filtered through what happened between us.

And that’s where we can go from “I don’t like what they did” to “Let me tell you who they are.”

Those are NOT the same thing.

Why this Matters

Here’s where we get ourselves in trouble. Something happens, and when we don’t know why it happened, we come up with a reason.

Listen, sometimes you may be exactly right. She may have left you out on purpose. He may be ignoring you. She may know the right people. But sometimes we don’t know nearly as much as we think we do.

When we tell somebody else the story, we usually don’t separate the two. We don’t say, “Here’s what happened, and here’s what I think happened.” We tell the whole thing like we know ALL of it.

Then that person tells someone else. Now three people “know” why she did something, and not one of them has actually asked her.

That’s how an assumption can turn into somebody’s reputation pretty damn fast.

Try this ShiFt

If somebody treated you badly, say it. You don’t have to protect someone who lied to you, embarrassed you, excluded you, talked about you, took credit for your work, made a nasty comment, or treated you like crap.

But try staying with what you actually know.

Instead of, “She left me out because she’s threatened by me,” try, “I wasn’t included, and honestly, it hurt.”

Instead of, “He doesn’t respect me,” try, “He didn’t respond, and I’m upset. I don’t know why he didn’t respond.”

Instead of, “She only got that opportunity because of who she knows,” try, “I wanted that opportunity too, and I’m disappointed I didn’t get it.”

And when somebody comes to you with the gossip, you don’t have to jump in. You can say, “Did she actually say that?” or “Do you know that’s why he did it?” Sometimes one question is enough to stop a conversation from turning into a full-blown character assassination.

You’re not defending the other person. You’re keeping one bad experience from turning into a whole story about who they are.

And if you catch yourself halfway through your own story, you can correct yourself right there: “Actually, I don’t know that. That’s what I’m assuming.” ← this phrase is difficult for many people because they think it shows weakness when in reality, it's emotional and conversational maturity.

I love that sentence because it doesn’t require you to pretend you aren’t mad. It doesn’t excuse what happened. It simply separates what you know from what you think.

Some of you are thinking, "I don't talk like that." EXACTLY. That is the issue. Sometimes we’re venting. Sometimes we’re hurt. Sometimes somebody really did behave badly. And sometimes we’re recruiting.

Knowing the difference can change the whole conversation.

Your Turn

Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, What the hell was that?

Was that a dig? Was she trying to embarrass me? Why does she keep doing this? Do I say something or let it go? And maybe the one we don’t ask quite as quickly... Do I ever do this too?

That’s Mean Girls Grow Up.

I get into why grown women do this stuff, what the behavior actually looks like (because it’s not always obvious), what to say when you’re on the receiving end of it, and how to make damn sure you’re not becoming the woman you complain about.

Because spotting her is one thing. Refusing to be her is where it gets personal.

Communication Expert
Speaker & Author

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