You're Always Nagging Me (ShiFt Happens)

Published 28 days ago • 2 min read

I flew home from a speaking gig in North Carolina this past week, sitting at my gate waiting to board, minding my own business, when I watched a marriage almost combust in real time.

Mom had a kid in a stroller mid-meltdown and a toddler running laps around it like she was training for a marathon. She was wearing me out! Both of mom's hands were full. Not busy... super full. There is a difference and she was literally living it.

Dad was standing right in front of the whole thing. He wasn't on a call or wrangling boarding passes. He was scrolling with his thumb, eyes glazed, somewhere between a meme and a stranger's vacation photos.

She asked him for help. Nothing. She asked again, sharper. That's when he looked up, rolled his eyes, and said, "You're always nagging me."

I didn't say anything. But I did make eye contact with a stranger three seats down and we both knew.

Why This Matters

Before anyone emails me, this isn't a husband thing.

You've done this. You've had it done to you. You know exactly what it feels like to be mid-sentence, saying something that actually matters, and watch someone's eyes flick down to their phone half a second before it buzzes. They nod. They say "mm-hmm." And you realize they didn't hear a single word.

You know what it's like to look up at the stands during your kid's one big moment and see the person who was supposed to be watching, watching their screen instead.

You know what it's like to tell a friend something difficult, something you'd been holding onto for weeks, and watch them check their phone before you even finish the sentence.

You know what it's like to be crying next to someone in bed and feel more alone than if they weren't even there.

Being near someone isn't the same as being with them. You can be standing right next to someone and still feel as if they aren't really there - emotionally.

Also, can we stop pretending it always takes three asks to count? Sometimes the first one needs to matter. Sometimes someone has both hands full and one working nerve left and they need help right now, not after the third count and when the scroll finishes. Getting ignored once still counts as getting ignored.

Try This ShiFt

If you're the one who keeps having to ask for help (or anything for that matter), stop wording it like a suggestion. Not "can you maybe grab her for a sec." Try: "I need your hands on her right now." Say it in a full, clear sentence.

If you're the one who was on the phone, ask yourself what you were actually looking at. Something worth missing them needing you? If you can't say it out loud without cringing, that's the problem. Not their tone.

Clearly it's okay to scroll on your phone... be aware of what's going on around you that may need your attention.

And if you get called out for checking out, skip the defense. Try: "You're right, I wasn't paying attention. I am now." That one sentence costs you nothing. It undoes the dismissal.